Every time I thought back to the night of the big argument, I cringed a little. Me, standing there butt naked save for a decently sized dildo handily dangling from the leather strap firmly wrapped around my waist and thighs. It was a comical sight but on second thought, when it was all said and done, Rebel and I left a lot unresolved. We hadn’t made love since that night and to make matters worse, I was going out of town on family business for a week following the incident.
I was beside myself with guilt about the lack of a resolution, but I couldn’t deny the feelings of frustration that cursed through me on top of it all. As far as relationships went, things were pretty tense and fragile at the moment, and now I wasn’t sure where Rebel’s head was when it came to us. What I knew was that mine damn sure wasn’t where it was supposed to be.
I double-checked my airline reservation on the large display hanging above and started walking toward my designated boarding gate. I thought back to what someone told my nana when she was a girl before she passed it on to me, and that is, “don’t ever be late for anything.” Although I’d used the advise selectively over the years, here I stood ready to make another trek to my hometown. It would be my third in two months. And there was nothing to stop me from thinking of nothing but Rebel the entire time I waited.
I was in love. No – I am in love. I hadn’t wanted to admit it to myself for a while because for some strange reason I was embarrassed by how quickly I fell for her. I mean, damn, why does everything and every thought have to begin and end with her and why does it scare the shit out of me? No woman had ever garnered such control over my emotions before. When we’d disagree about something my stomach would turn flips before settling into a big knot if we left things unresolved. I hated feeling any discontent within our relationship. See, there’s that word again. Relationship. It felt so right to be in one with her that I immediately agreed with the arrangement. I knew she completed me before she even knew, but was that enough? Was I enough? I knew one thing was for sure, and with that nagging thought I could feel sharp pangs of insecurity creep back up.
By the time the plane began boarding, I had such a strong urge to call Rebel. I resisted it. Although we’d been sharing the same living space for the last few months, I’d spent the last couple of days at my own place following the argument. I don’t know why I got so upset. Okay, I do, but it surprised me just about as much as it surprised Rebel. I had never been the jealous type, but seeing Max and Rebel together, was my jealousy awakening. That’s what I was so worried about. Was I over-reacting or being too possessive?
Our conversations since had been short and sweet, but way too short, as if we were purposely avoiding each other. What we were really doing was avoiding talking about the events leading up to our wondrous night of fizzled passion. It was silly, but I understood perfectly. I couldn’t help feeling so strongly about Rebel though. We could be in the same room, working, a quiet soft content, a silence so deep it roared, but that roaring was always music to my ears. I knew it was only my heart beating so fast it was sure to burst at the prospect of love and soul mates and two hearts coming together and… Well, I had never in my life felt such a complete sense of contentment until meeting this beautiful light that calls herself Rebel. There was only one other woman who ever evoked such an overwhelming feeling in me, and now there was Rebel.
As I made my way to the assigned mid-section window seat, I stowed my carry on, buckled up in my seat, and settled in. I turned off my cell phone even though there were a few text messages unchecked. Nothing else mattered for the next few hours. Or so I thought. Here I was running off to assist with the defense of my brother’s pending criminal trial, yet I was leaving Rebel behind again. I wanted her to come along with me, and to eventually meet my Nana, but it seemed like there were times when everything seemed to work against us, and that feeling was rearing its ugly emotion quite a bit lately. The whole thing started to irritate me again. Why did I have to be bothered with thoughts of Max anyway? Why, to be more concise, did I have so much fucking pride that I gave her even a fleeting thought when there were way more important concerns affecting me? Like keeping my brother out of prison, making sure my Nana’s health stayed good, rebuilding my relationship with my dad, and finally some things that were just for me. Things I hadn’t discussed with anyone such as settling down and… who knows what else. Lots of maybes that could turn into definitely filled my mind these days.
I was almost certain that she was the one, but there was a smattering of reasonable doubt tied to that almost certainty. I could almost feel my heart swell up inside of me, surging out of its comfortable confines whenever I thought of Rebel. It was an intoxicating high that made me weak. However, my excitement always turned right back to uncertainty because I wasn’t sure how Rebel truly felt. If I’d been holding back my feelings with her, then who knows what she might have been keeping from me.
For the last thirty minutes of the flight I reflected about my life. My career didn’t worry me as much as it probably should have. My confidence in the photo arena was not without reason, and knowing that I could always get work was reassuring. I hadn’t discussed it with Rebel or anyone else, but seriously considered selling my condo. I still am to be sure. I know multiple ways I could make use of the funds from the sale. Namely, I could use it to secure Rebel and my future together. But speaking of the future, would she be willing to allow me to take care of her and I and us? I just didn’t know whether she really wanted me to come along for the ride or was I just a convenient passenger, handy until Max got her shit together.
My self-involved thoughts were beginning to take a toll. Just in time, a flight attendant could be heard coming over the loud speaker announcing our arrival at the airport in Boston. I found my cell phone and flipped it on. I checked for missed calls. There was one from Rustin. I told my knuckle headed brother to pick me up at a specified time and not a minute late, or else. “Or else what,” was his sarcastic reply. Long gone were the days of me trying to put Rusty’s butt in a headlock and parading him around the house until either he conceded or broke free and reserved the move on me.
Although I was tall for a female and quite nicely toned if I might add, I was no physical match for Rustin any longer. However, I was paying for his defense and I aptly reminded his dense, yet prideful behind of this fact. He promised that I would be picked right up on time.
We filed off of the plane in a haphazard, zigzagged line and I made a beeline for the exit. My carry on and camera bag were all I’d packed since I only planned on staying a few days. Rustin’s case had been constantly postponed, but the cows had finally come home. His trial was set to begin this week. The plea deals offered were promptly rejected, and the lower the DA would go, the more confident we’d feel about Rusty’s chances of beating the case. He intended to fight the charges, and Kathy, his defense attorney, was quite capable of getting the job done.
As I exited the bustling airport, I heard a car’s horn honk a few times too many before I casually glanced in the direction of the chaos to see what all the trouble was about. I spotted her car almost immediately and knew exactly who was sitting behind the wheel waiting for my arrival.
Grinning as I walked to the car, I tossed my rucksack into the trunk, got in the passenger’s side and was greeted with a warm smile. There wasn’t enough room in the front seat for an all out hug fest, but I was sort of thankful for that. The ride home would be much less awkward if Rustin were sitting in the driver’s seat instead of Kathy, his defense lawyer, and the girl I’ll always know as -my first love.
