Even the vanilla scented candles that Lauren lit brought tears to her eyes. The sun had gone down without her noticing. When she finally realized she was laying in the dark, her first thought was to light candles. She wouldn’t dare flip the light switch on. That would bring too much light to her sadness.
After lighting the candles she passed through her kitchen and poured herself a glass of wine. She wasn’t much of a wine drinker, Lauren thought to herself. She fell softly into her reclining leather chair, curled back into her fetal position and used the remote to turn up the stereo playing their favorite mixed cd.
Mariah Carey’s voice filled the room low and sweet….Sorry I never told you, all I wanted to say. Now it’s too late to hold you, ’cause you’ve gone away, so far away..
Lauren wiped the tears as they came flowing from her eyes. She didn’t know how she would get through tomorrow. Her best friend was called into work and now, she had to go alone. She was stronger than this. She would have to pull herself together. The chorus lulled her as she sang along in a whisper.
And I know you’re shining down on me from heaven, Like so many friends we’ve lost along the way. And I know eventually we’ll be together. One sweet day..
The rest of the song sounded as if it got lower, but really it was just drowned out by her thoughts. She drifted off to thoughts of Her. Remembering their Valentines Day at the zoo. We couldn’t find our way around anywhere, Lauren thought to herself. She laughed remembering the crowds of old people and kids, keeping their distance so they wouldn’t have to go off on anyone.
Lauren remembered the first time they met, two years ago, at a Chrisette Michelle concert. Lauren saw Her first, looking around for a good place to stand and looking annoyed at all the people pushing their way passed her. Lauren stared at Her until she felt it and looked in Lauren’s direction. She motioned for Her to come over where she had a great spot waiting.
“I’m sorry, I know you don’t know me.” Lauren said with a nervous smile. “But I figured you could use a spot like this.”
The beautiful stranger smiled with a raised eyebrow. It was almost as if she thought the gesture was sweet but wasn’t use to random acts of kindness.
Finally, she replied, “Thank you, but you don’t have to give up your spot for me. You don’t even know me.”
Lauren laughed, “I’m good Lady. See? I’m going to sit right up here.” Lauren jumped up on the back of the DJ booth where she could see over everyone and sat on the edge, leaving the open space for the beautiful lady to stand.
“Well, I guess I can’t really argue with that can I?” When She smiled, Lauren’s heart skipped a beat.
“No, I guess you can’t.” Lauren replied holding her hand out to officially meet Her.
They introduced themselves, found out where they were from, and a brief synopsis of why they were both there alone before the lights went down for the concert to begin.
They didn’t speak much, aside from the occasional, “Oh this is my song!” Lauren would stare at Her every now and then, watching as she moved slowly to the music, then turn away when she was caught.
After the concert it took all of Lauren’s courage to ask for Her number, but she was glad she did. She knew She was special the moment she saw her. She knew she would love her.
Finishing her glass of wine, Lauren got up to get another. Walking past a picture of them in a frame she paused to pick it up. She put her glass down and ran her fingers across Her face. She hated taking pictures, Lauren thought. I had to beg her two weeks in advance just to take this one on my birthday.
It was a beautiful picture. Lauren considered herself to be pretty average, but She was gorgeous. She had that kind of flawless beauty. Lauren remembered how She took her time in the mirror before leaving the house. Lauren hated being late to anything, but she never complained. She sat and watched the tv in the room, and watched Her through the side of her eye.
Lauren chuckled to herself remembering how sometimes she would get lost in a show and drown everything else out until she heard…
“Mama!”
“Oh!…Huh? You said something babe?” Lauren would always ask innocently.
“I’ve been talking to you for two minutes!” She’d reply annoyed with a hint of disbelief.
“Oh!..Yeah, I heard you.” Lauren would lie, laughing.
“No you didn’t and I’m not repeating it.” But She couldn’t help laughing a little.
A familiar ring tone brought Lauren back to reality. It was Golden Girls, so she knew it was her sister, calling to check on her.
“Hey sis.” Lauren answered the phone.
“Brother…how are you holding up?” Amanda asked.
“I’m okay. Just really..really sad.” Lauren answered.
“You know brother, no one will judge you if you don’t go tomorrow.” Amanda stated, hoping her little brother wouldn’t take it the wrong way.
“Of course I’m going A! What are you thinking?!” Lauren raised her voice.
“Brother relax…I’m just worried about you.” Amanda said in a calming voice.
“I know….I’m sorry. I’m just………………sad.” Lauren’s voice trailed off.
“Well, I’m here for you brother.” Amanda said with a smile Lauren couldn’t see.
Lauren took a second and smiled to herself, remembering how she met her sister and how her boi’ish ways helped her fall into the role of Amanda’s little brother. They both played a role in each others lives that fit like a glove. They even make sure that each other don’t date the wrong women. She hated when Amanda teased her, calling her a girly boi. However, Amanda was her older sister, so she tired not to fuss too much.
“I know sis. I wish you were closer.” Lauren replied.
“I am. I said I’m here for you. My cab just pulled up outside of your house. What else could I have meant?” Amanda couldn’t help but giggle.
Lauren dropped her phone and ran to the front door just in time to open it and fall into the biggest hug she could ever imagine. She really needed that hug and she was glad it came from her sister.
“What are you doing here?” Lauren asked when they finally let go.
“I just can’t let you go through this alone Bro. I can already see you’ve been crying non-stop.” Amanda used her hand to wipe away a few tears that were forming on their own. “You need to rest up for tomorrow. So come on..let’s get some tea and get to bed.” Amanda said in a tone that was stern, loving and non negotiable.
The next morning they barely spoke. The whole house was so silent you could hear them moving around to get ready. Amanda woke to Lauren pulling out the ironing board to iron her clothes and she mumbled a good morning. Lauren didn’t respond. She could barely utter a word without crying uncontrollably and Amanda knew this.
After getting dressed Lauren managed to warm up two muffins and grab two juice boxes as Amanda came out of the room ready to go. Amanda walked over to Lauren and fixed her tie. The vest, button down and jeans Lauren had on was just her style. The only thing missing was a hat that she always wore. Lauren decided she would go without it today and wear her shades instead.
“Brother, it’s going to be okay. I promise.” Amanda finally spoke, wishing she could do more to take her brother’s pain away.
Lauren grabbed a small box off the counter and put it in her back pocket before asking, “Are you ready?”
Amanda grabbed the muffins and juice, Lauren slid on her shades and threw her arm around Amanda’s shoulder as they walked out the door and to the car. They weren’t riding in the limo with the family. Between not really being acknowledged in Her life and wanting to be respectful of Her family, Lauren didn’t really make it a big deal. A ride to the service and name in the program weren’t things she needed to validate her relationship with Her. Lauren knew what they shared. She knew.
The church was packed….it looked almost chaotic. It took seconds to figure out that the family was late getting there, so the service wouldn’t start for another half hour. Lauren had to chuckle to herself, so this is where you get your promptness from, huh babe?
Lauren and Amanda went in to take their seats and looked around at everyone already seated. Lauren’s gaze lingered on the giant picture of Her displayed next to the casket. It was closed. Lauren let her head fall, thanking God that it was closed. Amanda went right to work pointing out the straight mourners from the gay ones. Another attempt to cheer her up. Lauren smiled. She appreciated her sister’s efforts. She didn’t want them to go unnoticed.
“I wonder if we can borrow someone’s program.” Amanda asked Lauren, not expecting her to answer. She swung around to the woman they sat down in front of and asked to borrow her program.
“Sure you can, just make sure you return it. I really want it.” The stranger said.
“Of course.” Amanda replied. “No problem.”
When Amanda turned all the way around, she rolled her eyes, thinking to herself, why would I steal your program! Then she laughed to herself, adding the stranger to the gay mourning list and labeled her ‘most wrinkled at a funeral’ winner.
The picture on the front was the same as the one that was blown up on the stand. One that she took herself, in her “Super Star” shades and cute top. Amanda didn’t need to really see the program because none of the times were right anyway. The last page was a bunch of pictures of Her with family and friends. There were some kids hugging her…her mom forcing her to smile and…..Amanda smiled.
“Look brother.” She brought the program over so Lauren could see a picture of the two of them. It was the same one she had in a frame at home. For the first time, Lauren’s heart felt warm.
When they were done starring at it Amanda turned around again to give it back to the studly stranger. “Here you go. Thank you again.”
“No problem.” The stranger replied. “She was beautiful wasn’t she?”
Raising an eyebrow Amanda searched the woman’s face for emotion. The way she said beautiful did not sound like she was family or just a friend. “She was, wasn’t she?” Amanda paused, then began to add, “My brother…”
“I was going to marry Her.” The stranger interrupted, gliding her hands across the picture on the cover of the program.
This caught Lauren’s attention and she turned quickly but calm. “Excuse me? What did you just say?”
“Oh, I’m sorry are you family? I didn’t mean to be disrespectful, I just had a lot of Love for Her. I planned to be with Her.” The stranger explained.
Amanda looked at her brother and saw the sadness in her eyes, covered in anger. She placed a hand on her shoulder, “Brother..”
“I was more than family.” Lauren said calmly, interrupting Amanda. “I was her woman for two years. Who the hell are you?”
“Her woman? Ummm, she never mentioned you.”
There was an awkward silence. None of the women knew what to say next. Lauren thought back as hard as she could. She couldn’t think of a single reason She would have to step out on her. When would She even have the time?
Amanda finally broke the silence, “How long have you known Her? Where did you meet?’
“We met four months ago in a chat room online.” The stranger answered. Her demeanor was as calm as Lauren’s. They were both probably hurt but what was the point in being mad at each other now.
The stranger continued for a moment, adding things she knew about Her, conversations they had. And something about a plan to date soon. How she knew four months wasn’t long, but that she knew She was special the first time the chatted. The conversation ended when music began to play and the family started to walk in, everyone dressed in white. Lauren couldn’t help but smile at the white button down she wore, glancing at the all black outfit the stranger wore.
Before Lauren turned around she added, “She was my wife. No one else held Her heart. I know that to be a fact. It was nice to meet you.”
Amanda turned around right after her and squeezed Lauren’s hands. She knew that was hard to say. She couldn’t imagine what was going through Lauren’s mind at that moment with the new thought that She may have been mentally cheating. She didn’t plan to let go of her brother’s hand.
As the family walked pass them, Lauren glanced up in time to make eye contact with Her mom. She smiled at Lauren and gave her a soft wink. The service began but Lauren’s mind began to wonder.
Lauren remembered the first time she held Her. It felt like Her body had been carved just to fit hers. She was warm and Lauren found it easy to let her guard down around Her. More importantly, She was able to let go around Lauren.
Lauren chuckled too loud and ignored the looks Amanda and two others gave her. She had just remembered how much She tossed and turned in bed. It always kept Lauren up because she slept so light. She was so apologetic in the morning. “I’m so so so sorry mama.”
Lauren touched her own lips as she sat staring at Her picture and remembered their first kiss. It was killing Lauren because she wanted to go slow. She couldn’t control herself though. However, he second She came a little closer, Lauren made her move. The electricity that went through their bodies caused the butterflies in Lauren’s stomach to have babies.
Lauren couldn’t stop herself from drifting to disturbing thoughts of Her. They were only chatting online, but for someone to fall in love with you in four months you had to be giving them a reason to.
It hurt Lauren to think her love was involved with someone else emotionally. I would’ve rather you sleep with her than give her your mind baby, Lauren thought to herself.
Suddenly, Lauren wished she had stayed home. What if the love she was burying, wasn’t the woman she thought she was? What if She returned this woman’s feelings? Lauren squeezed Amanda’s hand. She was so glad her sister was there, she hoped she wasn’t leaving too soon.
The service ended without Lauren drifting to any bad thoughts. As a matter of fact, she stopped reminiscing all together. Lauren couldn’t decide whether or not this was going to affect her seriously or not. But she was hurt nonetheless.
The cemetery wasn’t as crowded. Most of the people went straight to the repasts. The woman they sat in front of was there though. She brought flowers to lay down by the gravestone. Lauren resented her being there. But who was she to say who could and could not love Her. It was She that cheated on her.
The ceremony at the grave site ended. Amanda had been a silent shoulder until now. The family had gone and they were the only two left by the grave. Lauren didn’t want to leave mad. But her emotions were all over the place.
“Brother….she loved you.” Amanda said, looking Lauren deep in her eyes.
Lauren looked away and let her tears fall.
“She may not have always been as expressive of you.” Amanda continued. ” But you made a difference in her life. You made her smile. You brought her a happiness no one can match.”
Amanda would have continued but Lauren walked around her and kneeled at Her grave. The tears were flowing again. Almost as if Lauren lost control of all her emotions she began crying uncontrollably.
Amanda wanted to hold her, but something told her Lauren needed to have this moment.
Lauren reached into her pocket and pulled out the box she grabbed before leaving the house. With tears hitting her hands as she opened the box, Lauren pulled out a long white diamond chain with a heart on the end. Engraved on one side of the heart were two hearts connected. On the other side, in small print, the word “Tashi”.
Lauren moved some of the fresh dirt aside and placed the necklace inside, covering it back over with the dirt. Lauren stood, using her sleeve to wipe her eyes. She reached her hand out so Amanda could hold it.
Lauren bowed her head one more time, “Baby…..I love you.” Lauren turned to walk back to the car and felt a warm breeze blow hard against her. She exhales deeply and took in the most recognizable scent anywhere, vanilla.
