Chasing Forever: Chapter 3

My eyes adjusted to the figure at the foot of my bed. I turned at looked at the digital reading on the clock 4:52 a.m. I groaned, you’ve got to be kidding me kiddo, I said to myself. Kennedy awoke extremely early Thursday morning. I’m surprised she got any sleep at all. She was so excited about her dance class last night as she went to bed. It was all she could talk about. I rubbed my eyes as I spoke,

“Ladybug it’s almost 5am. You don’t have to be up for another hour.” Kennedy yawned and put her thumb in her mouth. Clearly she was still tired. “Come lay down with Madi for a little while longer” I pulled the covers back and patted the empty space I wanted her to fill.

“But Madi” she started to whine. “Today is dance class and I don’t want to miss it” I was tired and wanted to cash in on at least fifteen more minutes before I had to start getting us both ready for the day.

“Kennedy, it’s five in the morning. Your class isn’t until three this afternoon. You still have school today my love. Come lay down.” She crawled on the bed, dragging her stuffed bear behind her. I wish she could stay six years old forever. Kennedy stuck her thumb in her mouth and was soon fast asleep. I closed my eyes briefly and held my daughter as she slept, listening to her slight snore. I mentally scanned my closet for something to wear for the day. I had to be comfortable. There was so much that I wanted to take care of before picking Kennedy up from school. I also planned to have lunch with Kennedy’s God parent, Yvette Michaels, the doctor who also delivered her. Yvette has been there through everything. There was no question that I wanted her to be a part of our lives for a long time. The phone interrupted my thoughts.

“She’s been up since four forty five a.m. ready for dance class” I said to my sister, knowing she’s the only one that calls so early in the morning. Dakota heartily laughed in my ear. I don’t know how that child did it. I was never a morning person; Dakota on the other hand was always up when our mama called us. My parents usually had to fight with me to get out of bed and get ready for school. Every morning Dakota was up at four, like clockwork, ready for yoga. Damn a crouching dog, I needed as much sleep as I could possibly get.

“Get up and get going. I love you both. Kiss the kid for me”

“Love you too sis. I’ll call you later. Let’s do diner tonight.”

“You paying or am I cooking. You know you gave Stella the day off.” I laughed. She had a point. My cooking skills went as far as captain crunch cereal and ramen noodles.

“I’m paying. See you this evening”

I got up and allowed Kennedy to sleep until the last minute possible. Lord only knows how long she’d been up before coming into my room. Madison trots into the room and jumps onto the bed and makes himself comfortable at the foot of the bed. The two of them look so peaceful and for a half of second, I want to crawl back into bed with them. But Stella wasn’t here, and this morning was going to be a challenge. I walked into my closet and pulled out a blue Lacoste button down shirt, a yellow and blue argyle sweater and blue denim jeans. Yellow Chuck Taylor sneakers would complete my outfit. I ironed my clothes and jumped into the shower. As I got up I heard Kennedy up, playing with Madison.

“Madi Look at what Madison can do,” Kennedy held her hands above her head and shouted “Jump Madison” The bulldog did his best to jump as high as Kennedy’s hands were raised. His stumpy legs prevented him from going as far as she wanted him to. The interaction was priceless.

“Good job ladybug. Did you sleep okay? Kennedy nodded and continued to play with the dog. “I need for you to go to your bathroom and get washed up and ready for school, okay? Do you need help?” I felt odd asking her if she needed help. I should know whether or not my child could wash herself.

“No Madi, Stella lets me get ready by myself all the time. I am a big girl now!” Kennedy and Madison both stood up, jumped off my king sized bed, and ran out of the room. I ran my fingers through my curly afro and made a mental note to stop by Jake’s and get a shape up. I also needed to get my tires rotated. Luckily most of my errands were in close proximity of each other. The last thing I could do was meet Yvette at the hospital then pick Kennedy up from school. I hope it’ll be a carefree easy-going day. I finished putting my clothes on, laced up my shoes and headed for Kennedy’s room.

“Almost done kiddo?”

“Can you tie my shoes Madi?” I knew very well Kennedy knew how to tie her own shoes. It was the mere thought of her one day not needing me or my help that pulled at my heart strings. I was a true parent. I bent down to tie her shoes and noticed the light blue knee socks she was wearing wouldn’t keep her warm in today’s cooler temperatures.

“Kennedy you need to put some tights on, it’s colder outside today”

“But Madi” she started to protest. I gave her the infamous “don’t even try me this morning” stare which quickly silenced her.

“Get the tights on young lady. And get your brush and whatever barrettes you want to wear in your hair today and get down stairs” I said leaving her room and going to the kitchen.

There was entirely too much to do before we were to leave the house. I couldn’t remember if Kennedy ate breakfast and lunch in school or just lunch. I grabbed my phone and dial Stella’s number.

“Hello you have reached Stella…”

“Shit,” I said, hoping Kennedy didn’t hear me

“OOOOO Madi I heard that” She said from the top of the stairs. I could do nothing but laugh. I looked at Kennedy’s chore board, the bulletin board where Stella left me notes on what needed to be done around the house, the mail stack; everywhere I thought would give me any kind of indication of my child’s daily eating arrangements. I looked at the time once again. The clock read 7:05 a.m. Kennedy had to be at school no later than eight fifteen. I had less than an hour to get her hair done, feed her, and get us both out the door. I started to panic.

“Kennedy, I need you to move a little faster. We’re behind on time.”

“I am looking for my book bag. I can’t find it.” I sighed in frustration. How in the hell does one lose a book bag?

“What kind of cereal do you want?”

“Why can’t I eat breakfast at school? I want banana pancakes” At least that answered one of my questions. I felt like a winner. Hell for the eight grand I pay in tuition a year for her to attend school there, the LEAST they can do is feed my child. I looked in the refrigerator for some fruit, something to hold her over until she got to school. In the door I noticed Kennedy’s lunch box with a note attached. I figured you would see this as you were rushing this morning. I have made her lunch. Make sure she also wears her sweater today. She complained she was cold yesterday. I came in earlier to check on you two. You were still sleeping. You can fuss at me later for it. Madison has fresh water and food in his bowl. I didn’t want you to be overwhelmed. Call me later. Nana Stella. That woman was a gift from Heaven and I had to remember to pick her up something nice when I went out today. Kennedy still wasn’t down stairs, and although Stella saved me at least a half hour, she still needed her hair done.

“ELYSE!” I screamed. She knew I meant business by calling her middle name. I heard her feet running down the stairs. “Next time you come when I call you the first time. Understand me young lady?” Kennedy looked at me and nodded. I half expected her to give me lip because she’s not used to me talking to her like that. I took the items she had in her hand and slid her book bag off her back. Propping her up on the counter I looked at the task I was about to try and tackle. It wasn’t like I hadn’t done her hair before. It was just not my thing. Dakota usually braided her hair for during the week. On the weekend she usually wore her hair free, her curls falling everywhere. I gathered all of her hair to the back of her hair, wet the brush and tried to lay down any lose strands that happened to get away from me. Times like this I remember the reason why I wanted a little boy. Kennedy wiggled and squirmed.

“Not today Kennedy. We have to go.” I rubbed moisturizer in my hand and spread it evenly over her hair and placed the ponytail holder in place. It would have to do for today. I felt proud of my accomplishment.

“Okay grab your sweater and your coat.”

“Finally!” she said and giggled

“Oh you’re ready for dance class aren’t you?” I tickled her and laughed. We put our coats on and we were out the door.

Kennedy got to school just as the bell was ringing. Getting back into the car, I realized how much work went into being a single parent. I don’t know how people did this forever. Granted no one could ever replace Drea as Kennedy’s mother, but I know, in my heart at some point in time I want to be in love again. I want Kennedy to be raised by two people who love each other and love her. Eventually I’d like to have more children. It will all happen in due time. I’m not rushing it. I took my cell phone out the holster and dialed Yvette’s number. My friend since grade school, and Kennedy’s Godparent, she is the longest friendship I have been able to maintain throughout my life. Her wife was Drea’s roommate in college. The four of us were supposed to grow old together. I didn’t see them much; the memory of the four of us was too hard for me at times. I loved them more because they understood and didn’t pressure me. I did make sure that Kennedy saw them as often as possible, especially Yvette’s wife, Jennifer. She was like a second mother to Kennedy and I wanted her to know her mother from eyes other than mine own. Yvette answered on the third ring. Sleepiness laced her voice.

“Dr. Michaels”

“Dude you sound exhausted”

“It’s probably because I am,” Yvette yawned and continued “I just finished a double shift. I’m in the lounge trying to catch a quick nap before my pager wants to go off again. We’re still on for today… tonight. Damn dude what time is it?” I laughed

“Yeah we’re definitely still on. I just dropped Kennedy off. I need a shape up. I’m heading over to Jakes and then I’m all yours.”

“I miss my God daughter. Jen has been asking about her lately. We’ll have to get her one weekend. I think she’s getting that “baby bug” again.” I laughed. I remember how Jen would rub Drea’s stomach while she was pregnant and then rub her own stomach. Some sort of ritual the two of them had.

“She’ll gladly go! Her social calendar is better than mine. We’ll talk more when we meet up.”

“Cool”

I disconnected from Yvette and pulled into Jake’s Kuts. I have been coming to the same barber since Drea and I decided this was where we wanted to live and raise our family.

“Well, well, well! Look at what the cat dragged in” Jake said, his deep country accent booming throughout the shop.

“Ey man, it hasn’t been that long!” I gave Jake a pound and the standard hood one arm hug. “I was just in here…” I tried to remember the last time I was there. I couldn’t Jake laughed

“See! How have you been?” Kutz was a family establishment. Jake and his two brothers owned the property. Jake’s sister, Chelle, operated a nail salon that adjoined the building.

“I’ve been good man, can’t complain”

“When are we going to get some updated picture of the little one? Haven’t seen her since Jeremiah’s birthday party.” Kennedy and Jake’s son went to the same school and often went to the same events around the neighborhoods. Stella or Dakota was usually the ones that took Kennedy to these events. I needed to get out more with my child.

“Awe man, we actually need another family picture. She’s doing good though. Getting big, like they do. She’s got dance lessons starting today so that’s something else for me to add to that girls very busy social calendar.” I sat across the room from Jake while he finished his current customer. I was next in his chair.

“You been getting out lately though Sid? Living a little?”

“Work’s got me plenty consumed. And you know single parenting isn’t easy.” Just then the door opens and Chelle walks in. At five feet even, her Remi hair down her back and small waist, Chelle knew she turned heads everywhere she went. Not this head. She’s been trying to get at me since Drea died. And though her assets made her a VERY interesting catch, I wasn’t the one interested.

“Well this is a nice welcome to a bright morning” she smiled and I noticed the Monroe piercing in her lip

“Hey Chelle”

“Don’t sound so excited to see me” she sarcastically said

“Okay. I won’t” Jake was finished with his customer and I got up to take my seat in the chair. Chelle positioned herself to stand in front of me so I would not be able to reach the chair without me touching her. I smirked, slightly annoyed with this song and dance with her “Chelle how many times are we going to go through this?”

“Until you give me a chance” She smiled and flipped her store brought hair over her shoulder. The song and dance was getting old.

“Chelle, I am not interested in you. You’re not my type. I’m good. Let’s let it go okay?” I walked around her and sat in Jake’s chair. He shook his head and laughed at his sisters antics.

“You’ll come around one of these days Sidney” Her words seemed more like a threat than a sincere notion.

After getting my hair cut and lined up, I headed over to the west end of town to meet Yvette at Mercy Hospital. I had to admit I was excited to see my friend. It had been a minute since I’ve seen her and I needed some adult conversation. Maybe Stella was right? Maybe it was time for me to get out and start again. I pulled into the parking lot of a café about a mile from the hospital. I’d received a text from Yvette saying to meet her here. I park the car and head inside where I see Dr. Michaels, sans her white coat, seated at a table. She spots me and waves me over.

“Dude!” she seems just as excited to see me as well. We embrace and I take a seat across from her.

“Man, it’s so good to see you!”

“Well if you come out of hiding every now and then instead of having Dakota just drop Kennedy off I could spend some time with my best friend and catch up.”

I felt guilty. I picked up the glass of water on the table and took a sip. “I’m going to try and do better Yvette. Honestly. You know things have been pretty hard. Ken’s getting older… starting to look more like Drea every day. I feel like sometimes I’m not doing enough. She’s my world. I just don’t want to let her down. It’s crazy out here in this world Yvette. I just want to protect my little girl.” I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed. “I feel like I’m doing her a disservice by not giving her a mother”

“Sid, she has a mother. She has Drea. Sure you can give her a positive female mother figure but no one can be her mother. You’re beating yourself up about something you have no control over. You’re a great parent. Hell, I’d love to be HALF the parent you are.” There was an eerie look Yvette got in her face

“You and Jen still trying to get pregnant?”

Yvette rubbed her face and motioned for the waiter “Can I have a bud light in the bottle. You want anything Sid”

“Nah I’m driving. I’ll have another glass of water and an order of hot wings”

“Two orders. I might need to put some food on my stomach. I’m not on call so I can drink.” The waiter took our menus and put our order in. He brought Yvette her beer and serviced the table next to us. Yvette took a long swig of her beer and I watched her. “She’s getting so frustrated. I don’t know what to do. I feel helpless. But then there is part of me that is scared. I saw what happened to Drea. I was there. I saw your pain. It fucked me up for real. I just…” I was shocked by what Yvette just revealed to me.

“Not everyone who has a child dies Yvette”

“I couldn’t save Drea. I couldn’t save my wife’s friend. I couldn’t save my best friend’s wife. Now I secretly pray my own wife doesn’t get pregnant because I’m too scared I won’t be able to save her if something happens.”

I was shocked by what Yvette was telling me. Why now though? She’d never said anything about feeling like this before. “Yvette, Drea and I knew the consequences and the risks of her becoming pregnant and giving birth. This wasn’t your fault. I don’t blame you.” There was a comfortable silence that passed between us. We all dealt with Drea’s death in our own way. I don’t figure Yvette has, as her doctor or her friend. I think it was a lot for her to handle and I felt bad. We changed the subject, talking about cars, sports, our careers, and women. It’s good to know that you can have those type of friends where no matter how long you don’t speak, you can fall right back into place where you left off. There is no uneasiness. Everything seems to flow. I looked down at my watched and noticed that almost two and a half hours had passed. I still had some work to do back at the house. I’d purposely left my work phone at home. I knew if I bought it along with me I’d be tempted to go into the office at the first email I got this morning. My staff and clients all felt I deserved this day off. I only took the allotted two weeks for paternity leave when Kennedy was born. My company was going to give me an entire month off. I couldn’t be in the house that much. I would have driven myself crazy.

I knew Yvette had just pulled a double and also had a few beers. There was no way I was going to let her drive home in that condition. We paid our bills and headed out of the small café.

“Come on dude, I’ll drive you home.” Yvette looked at me and laughed. I was always the designated driver. I held out my hands and she gladly dropped the keys to her Lexus into my palm. We headed to my car and climbed in.

“Jen’s going to be pissed I didn’t tell her we were having lunch. Now you’re going to walk in and she’s going to be nagging and complaining about how she should have cleaned up and the house will be spotless. Dude I have an awesome wife. She’s good to me.”

“You do. She’s like a sister to me so I know how great she is. Look man I know it’s hard for all of us with Drea being gone, but I promise, at least for Kennedy’s sake to come around more, for us to do more as a family. You know, like the good ol’ days.” Yvette leaned her head back on the seat and closed her eyes.

“Sid, why did I drink those four beers? You know I’m a light weight.” I glanced over at Yvette and laughed

“Luckily you don’t live far from the hospital. Jen should make you walk to work tomorrow”

“I have been thinking about what we discussed. Think I might take my wife on a vacation soon. Make us a baby.” I smiled, thankful that what I said got through to my best friend. I just wanted her and Jen to be as happy as Drea and I would have been. I pulled up to Yvette’s house and helped her to the front door. I rung the bell and Jen answered in a flowing white dress. She looked angelic. I was so happy for the two of them. Her deep chocolate skin was even more beautiful than I remember. She smiled and tears formed in her eyes.

“Don’t you ever let that much time pass before I see your face again, do you hear me? She looked at her wife propped up against the door frame and shook her head. I laughed and helped Yvette into the house. She laid out on the couch and was soon asleep. In the living room Jen had various pictures around. I spotted at least ten of Kennedy and that was just at a glance. In the middle of the glass cabinet, she had a picture of Drea, taken just days before Kennedy was born. There was the eulogy from her funeral and a picture of Kennedy and myself the day of the funeral. I didn’t even know this picture existed. “I took that while you weren’t paying attention. I wanted to capture you and Ken in the moment.”

“You think you could make me a copy. She was so little back then. Hard to believe she’s six years old now Jen” I blinked back tears remembering the day I buried Drea. Today was filled with too many emotions for me. Jen rubbed my back.

“I’ll get you a copy as soon as I can. You alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Ladybug starts dance classes tonight. She’s so excited. That’s why I took off today. So I can pick her up from school and spend time with her before her class. I may even stay. See what it’s all about”

“Little Miss Kennedy has got a wonderful Madi. Her mother is proud.” I looked at the time and knew I wasn’t going to be able to go back to the office. By the time I made it to the other side of town I’d have to fight traffic in order to get Kennedy in time for the end of the day bell. I didn’t want to chance it. I’d check my email from my personal phone while I waited for Kennedy to get out of school. I looked at Jen and she smiled. It was amazing that we were grown now.

“The more important question is; how are YOU?” I put an emphasis on you so that Jen would open up about what was going on with her and Yvette. She took a deep breath and stared out the window. I wonder if Jen had someone to talk to now that Drea was gone. I know they had other close friends, but Drea and Jen were joined at the hip in college. When Drea died it was hard to think about anyone else’s pain but mine own. Six years later, I’m just getting to the point where I can easily discuss her or her passing with others. Every one took Drea’s passing hard. I was just now realizing that there were people who were too still dealing with it. And I wasn’t alone in this fight of learning how to cope and move on.

“I’m hanging in there Sid, taking care of things. Life is good. It can definitely always be better.” She walked to the fridge and pulled out two bottled waters. Coming back to the table she sat one in front of me. “This trying to start a family deal is the most stressful shit I’ve ever been through in my life.” I was taken aback. I could count on one hand of how many times I’d heard Jen swear. She looked at the shocked expression on my face and laughed. “Yes, it’s THAT serious”

“I think your time is coming. I think it’s coming soon. Don’t give up Jen.”

“I got some information about adoption. I really want to adopt from the states. I find it utterly ridiculous that there are so many children here that need loving wonderful parents, and I would choose to go to another country to adopt a child.”

“I understand where you’re coming from Jen. But, you and Yvette being a lesbian couple…?” I let the open ended question sit at the table with us. I looked at the time again. I needed to get going. “We need a family night. It needs to be soon! We’ll talk more about this later. I have to run and get Kennedy from school.”

“I’m holding you to coming to family night Sidney. We miss you. And we miss Kennedy.” I hugged Jen and gathered my things.

“Hold me to it, because I’ll be there. I’ll bring Dakota too.” Jen smiled. We really were a family. Giving Jen one last kiss on the cheek, I was out the door. I skimmed through my emails and noticed one from pmatt@turnthepaige.com. My sensors went on high alert as I opened the email.

Mr. Montgomery, Paige here from Turn the Paige Studios. I just wanted to send you a brief reminder that your appointment is today, Wednesday, at 3pm. I look forward to meeting with you and your daughter. I don’t expect us to get to a lesson today but I will test her balance and coordination. Please make sure she is dressed comfortably. Thank you.

Paige Matthews.

I smiled and started the car. I appreciated her helping me out. Lord knows she didn’t have to. I was interested in seeing what Paige Matthews was all about. I started the car, we were soon about to find out.