StarStarBaby: Cleaning Up

I was cleaning the house today. Minding my business, music all loud. Just cleaning away. Feeling pretty good. Then, as I climbed in the chair so I could dust above the armoir, I found them. The pics of you and I that I had hidden from myself when this whole ordeal started last month. All those feelings that I foolishlessly thought I had put in their proper hiding place just burst through again at full force. And just like that, I was reduced to a sniveling, crying, snot nosed pile of mush all over again. Stuck there for at least half an hour trying to get your handsome face out of my minds eye. Trying to erase the sounds of the millions of “I love you’s” and yes, the addictive sounds of our ecstasy from my ears. Everytime I got past one thing it would just be replaced with something else. Like the way your skin felt next to mine, or the promises you made to never do exactly what you did.

I lay in that spot on the floor, feeling like my lungs were collapsing again. Wondering if terminal heartbreak really existed.

Something in me was not ok with what I was reducing myself to. Something in me was telling me to fight back. My heart was telling my head to stop trying to be mad. That it’s ok, that is natural. That I love you and I’m supposed to cry. But in the process, my body had to find the will somewhere to pull myself up and do the unthinkable. I grabbed all of the pictures and spread them all out on the floor in front of me, and I stared at them all. I just looked and took it all in. For the first time since it happened. I stopped trying to act like I didnt still love you with every piece of me. I stopped trying to act like the whole thing doesnt hurt and that i’m over it. I screamed as loud as I could. Screamed until my head throbbed from the pressure. Then,when my head stopped hurting, I screamed again. And again… When I couldn’t scream anymore. I picked each picture up and looked deep into it. Embracing the memory that was held in each of those captured moments. I had reflected on each and every sincle one of those moments.

I pulled myself up and took the stack of pictures and tucked them away. When I looked in the mirror, what starred back at me wsa someone I didn’t know. Someone I thought might be stronger than I gave her credit for. So I washed my face and smiled at that girl in the mirror. Then I grabbed my rag and furniture polish and climbed back up in that chair…

Also known as Star, she’s a southern girl through and through. Makeup artist by profession, freelance writer, dancer, mother, amatuer chef and social critic. She’s a severe internet junkie and love-aholic.  Her current major projects are sistahstar.com and somewhere over the rainbow, an lgbt group found on facebook. Contact her at starrandthecity@gmail.com, facegyrl1@yahoo.com, twitter.com/sistahstar, or twitter.com/starstarbaby.